Changes

Words are the symbols we use to talk about higher truths that cannot be seen, cannot fit into the world of form. It is written in the Tao Te Ching, "The Tao that can be explained with words is not the Tao," but words are not the only symbols we use. There is always a gap between the "ideal" and the "real," which is to say, that which is manifest in the world of form, but we always have the symbols, the ideal images in our minds and we create eexpectations for reality based on those images. We are bound to be disappointed, then.

But, it is a lesson that must be learned over and over, as living with "no expectations" as the Zen Buddhists preach, is really quite difficult. And so, when I was on the plane from Kunming to Delhi, and the train from Delhi to Dehradun, I was getting more and more excited about my stay at VANDANA SHIVA'S BIODIVERSITY FARM AND SEED SAVING CENTRE. I had expectations that did not recognize the fact that Vandana Shiva is a human being, and that managers are managers, not super heroes, and Indian farm workeres are probably not educated extensively about Vandana Shiva's activisim, and so there will most likely be a gap between the "ideal" and the "real."

And despite the initial honeymoon phase, and despite how good it feels to be in India, this place that I have come to really love, I am tired. My expectations sat way high up in the clouds looking down at me as I try desperately to explain my interdisciplinary interests and project idea. My questions about eco-feminism elicited only puzzled looks, and fingers pointed to the library. Interns are frustrated by the lack of coordination and communication, and my mind, my spirit just wanted to rest. My body got sick, and as I lay in bed, I came to realize that I'm ready to come back to a place where I don't live out of a backpack.

My time traveling has taught me so many lessons, and more I'm sure that I haven't become aware of yet. I've learned so much about the healing traditions I came to study, and I've gained immeasurable insight into my own life through the meditative and self-reflective practices of TaiChi and yogasana. This time has given me the tools and perspective I needed to make a decision about my continued learning path, and what I need to do to get there. I have spent these past 6 months in process, continually allowing myself to flow, and resisting the temptation to be goal-oriented. My tunnel vision expaned into fishbowl view, and I've attempted a more holistic framework for seeing the world, for seeing myself and other people. This holistic perspective is the most important thing I've begun building, and I will continue to engage and practice with it, but it's become clear to me now that in this world of form, there are times when goals are good things, when focus is necessary, and if I want to commit to a particular idea or path, then it's time for me to pack my bag.

I will head back to the US next week to begin a slew of prerequisite courses in psychology for grad program applications. My emphasis will continue to be in holistic healing, with an eventual focus on Eating Disorders. I'm excited to come back into the Oly community, and I am wide-eyed on this new path in my journey.



This is a big thank you to all those who have been reading my musings, to my family for their amazing unconditional support, to my sister for her strength and understanding, and to my friends for their love. A HUGE thank you to my Professor for her support, her questions, advice, and compassion.

See y'all on the other side!

A Caminante's Home

Context: I am at Navdanya Farm, outside of Dehradun, Uttaranchal, India. I have been here 6 days. I feel quite "at home," which is to say comfortable.
A young lady from Ecuador arrived on the farm yesterday, only to visit for a few days, and as we were peeling potatoes together in the kitchen, speaking in English, I asked her if we could speak in Spanish. She was delighted. There is this flame that burns very dimly, and under certain circumstances, it explodes into brightness, and in this moment, where I just wanted only to speak with this lovely woman from Ecuador in her own language, my mind was so "confundado" (which is what I said, when the word I was looking for was "confundida") between the floating Chinense, floating Hindi, and limited Spanish. In talking with her, I wanted nothing other than to travel to central and south America, improving my Spanish, and studying with curandera/os. It seems that my sense of "home," is so easily transported from place to place on these momentary whims of meeting interesting people from other places.

Later, as I lay in bed in the dorm-style room, one of my roommates, from the US, asks me how long ago I left "home?" and if I miss it? I tell her, I've never left my home... because I live in my body, and though I've tried escaping it, I haven't ever really left home.
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LOTS OF THINGS TO SAY, I'LL POST MORE SOON! (I promise)